You are my most favorite person to think about. Though the doctors say not to concentrate too much on anyone or thing, I have decided to do just fine by you. I chalk it up to experience. My eight years working in the chocolate factory making sure the vats were fully sterilized. I often wore a mask and always gloves for fear of mangling the hands I thought to one day model wedding bands with. Can you imagine the capacity to suffer, the utter determination of someone like me committing forty hours a week for eight years to make sure big metal tubs were clean? What do you think I could do for a woman? She would be so happy—smiley eyes, smiley face. It could be you Pavonia. I will start with well-balanced meals and angle into discussions of the finer things. Like boots I will buy for you and singing lessons in all genres. I know how to take care of a woman, raaaaaaaarrrr!
This won’t be like the time I tried to have a fox as a pet. Let me tell you something—foxes don’t like to sleep in bed with their owners and they don’t like to wear Mary-had-a-little-lamb bob hats with aqua blue frills. I guess it was trouble from the start. I called him Mandy though he was not female. I’m sure on some level he could tell I was being a clown. The guy on the farm had named him Edgar. Fuck Edgar, I said behind his back, I want to have some fun. I thought I could take Mandy for rides and at least go duck hunting. You know, she could run and pick up the once quackable carcasses. It seemed she wanted to leave even before she came back home. I gave her all I could. I left a window ajar in the winter so she could have her fresh air. I brought in field mice for her to chase, catch and eat. What else could I be expected to do? We have trials with animals so we’re ready for people, right?
You are my most favorite person. Did I say that already? What about those arm wrestling competitions I won? You can’t deny that. I beat Curt Widel. He had fifty pounds on me. I have trophies. I have enough money to afford a maid, even a Swiss one. Do I need to continue? What time should I pick you up?